How are you? “Busy” is a common answer. Because we are busy too. Or are we worrying? It seems like a generational thing. 1 in 6 Dutch people between the ages of 25 and 35 gets a burnout and the proportion of women in it predominates. In addition, 15 percent of Dutch women have (had) a burnout. This was 9.4% 2 years ago. That's not good.
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Women are more likely to experience burnout than men. Today we have an infinite number of options. This leads to choice stress. And at the same time we see on social media how other women are getting it done.
According to research, there are roughly two reasons why a woman is more likely to burn out than a man. This is primarily because women take on more tasks outside of work. Think of care for the family or additional informal care. In addition, women more often opt for emotionally demanding work (e.g. education, care). And with this type of work, the chance of exhaustion is greater.
We do indeed have many options. But we choose to make it choice stress. We are in control. We decide how we organize our time. At work I often come across people who call in sick because they are stressed, while they still have enough vacation days. These people do not dare to say no, so they refuse to take their rest. But others always keep calling on you. Before you know it, the burn out symptoms appear. The trick is to take your rest when necessary, so as a woman you prevent a burnout. The best way to combine your work with a (happy) private life is to make choices. You set boundaries and monitor them.
Research shows that full-time mothers used to spend an average of 11 hours a week with each child. Think of general care, playing together, reading books. Today, working mothers spend the same number of hours with each child. And yet we always feel guilty. My mother used to not work. In my experience she was always there, but she also let me have my way. And she's the one who tells me that Finn needs to learn to entertain himself. And he can do that too.
My work is very important to me. But not the most important thing. When I went on maternity leave, some colleagues thought I would be the first at our company to organize her maternity leave flexibly. As a woman, you are obliged to take 6 consecutive weeks of leave. But you can take the remaining 4 weeks spread over 30 weeks.
And that works for a lot of women. But not for me. Because I wanted to breastfeed Finn for the first period outside my womb and give endless mother love. And I didn't see myself pumping at work. So I chose to go on vacation for 6 months. That was more than worth it. Because when I went back to work, I was able to work for 4 days full of conviction and enthusiasm.
Can I do that without feeling guilty? Absolutely not. We women believe that we always know best. In fact. Men like to help, but women often don't allow it. Fathers are allowed to help, but only according to our 'motherly rules'. American researchers call this 'gate-opening' and 'gate-closing'. The extent to which we allow the extent to which fathers are allowed to care in their own way also determines the extent to which they actually play a role at home. And that in turn determines how many care tasks are on our plate. As a woman you have to learn to let go to prevent that burnout.
My husband Chris and I have divided the care for Finn equally. Because he also works 4 days. And he is the best father Finn could wish for. Yet. When I called the GGD for an extra vaccination for Finn for our holiday to Malaysia, I was told it was a Thursday that I had to go to a meeting. I immediately indicated that it was not possible. To respond shortly afterwards with 'oh wait, he also has a father'. Rightly so. Finn passed this inoculation as well as anyone else. While I had made all the visits to the consultation office before that.
I am also constantly looking for balance at work. I find a lot of fun and important. But I consciously pick up Finn a little earlier 1 day a week. So that we can have a quiet evening moment. I make up for those hours in the evening. When he's in bed. Wednesday is my day off. Then I am in principle not reachable. Unless there are urgent matters.
Finn sleeps for another 2 hours at noon. I then choose not to do anything in the household. But to dedicate that time to myself. Watch a series, read a book or bake something. A little me time. So I've learned to let go. Basically Chris and I think the same. We are for peace, cleanliness and regularity. We believe that children grow up with lots of love and clear rules. With punishment in time. But punishment is always followed by a make-up hug. And children need healthy food. Unnecessary sugars give you very busy children. And so on.
If you want your husband (or mother, mother-in-law, sister) to support you in raising your children, you have to delegate. It's like leadership. You always delegate a lot of responsibility. And they fulfill that responsibility in their own way. What's the worst that could happen? If you expect the other person to do it exactly the way you always do, then you know one thing for sure. You will be disappointed.
Stock photo of woman with burnout by FGC
